The Holiday of  Passitover

In the land of Blackburn, there lived a people name the Schima’s.  The Schima’s used to be a free people. They wore light blue leisure suits, danced the disco steps until their knees fell off, and generally had a carefree irresponsible existence. Then one day , without warning, the Schima’s found themselves conquered by the Ohwells.  

The ruler of the Ohwells, was  Utellmee. He was a ruthless tyrant who kept the Schima’s enslaved in a 4 box building, toiling away, drying towels,  calling useless repairmen, contracting computer viruses, and adhering to the rigid budget. It was a hard and dark time for the Schima’s..mainly because they kept their blinds closed. Day after day the Schima’s toiled at their jobs.

The  Ohwells had the Schima’s chauffer doctor’s to and from medical offices,  ineffectively lift and arrange boxes in the Prius trunk,  buy cheap coffee and doughnuts from a nearby seven eleven,  pay little attention to ground security, allow incidental cracks to appear on the walls without repair, quickly go to Fedex, and perhaps opt for a Starbuck’s treat! The Schima’s did all this and more, while eating free lunch meals prepared for them.

Oh Yes! It was a very hard and dark time for the choosing people. Then, one miraculous day while watering the lawn, one of the Schima’s, Schviesie, saw a stream of water, trickling on the gray, gray sidewalk. He looked closer. Closer still, until..incredibly he saw a tiny basket floating on the trickle of water, flowing towards his blue 2000 chariot. The basket was from a KFC 2 piece chicken dinner, and inside Schviesie saw a miracle. The basket was filled with a bit of water, and in the water itself was a sea monkey! Schviesie cradled the cardboard KFC basket in his boney fingers. He put down his hose, and then zipped his pants, and made his way across the long driveway to his slave quarters #1.

Quickly Schviesie put the sea monkey in a larger aquarium and watched it grow and grow…until suddenly..one day it grew to look just like Schviesie!.. and left the aquarium. Schvieisie said “What the hell is this, you look just like me..who are you?”  The duplicate replied…”no , you tell me!” So Schviesie thought and thought, and suddenly it came to him. “ I will call you Schimalaben. “Okay said the newly minted Schimalaben.  Now. Where’s the Bud Light?” Schviesie went to his fridge and gave Schimalaben a bottle of Bud Light. Next thing you know, a miracle happened…Schimalaben drank  all six beers at once! He became “bombed”, and started wandering around the slave quarters.  “What are you doing?” cried Schviesie?” suddenly realizing he had no ancient brew to drink.  “Where is Utellme?”  said Schimalaben with a slur. I need to see him to convince him to set us free!”

So Schviesie loaded Schimalaben in his blue 2000 chariot, and drove clear across the land of Blackburn to apt#2.  They both walked across the hall, and knocked on the door. The door duddenly swang open and there sitting on a royal throne, was Utellme, chieftan of the Ohwell tribe.

“Are you Utellme?” said Schimalaben with a smile. 

“I don’t know” retorted Utellme, “who’s asking?”

“It is I, Schimalaben..the chosen one..changed from a sea monkey to what you see in front of you.”

“Wait a minute”, said Schviesie, “What am I…chopped liver?”

“Yes!” both Utellme and Schimalaben said. “That’s exactly what you are!”

“Well. I don’t have to stand for these insults..do I?”

“Yes!” both shouted again “you do!”

“Then I’m leaving.” Said Schviesie

“ Sit down my dear Schviesie” said Utellmee

“Yes sit and watch the miracles flow” said Schimalaben, the chosen one.

“First,” said Schimalaben, “I want you to let the Schima’s leave their apartment #1. They have been cooped up there for 400 minutes.”

“And if I don’t?” asked Utellmee

“Then I will perform 5 miracles” said Schimalaben

“First, I will not let Schviesie use the toilet for several hours!”

“And then?..” retorted Utellmee

“Second. I will make Schviesie walk to Fedex with very heavy packages, not allowing him to buy and coffee or treats on the way!”

“So..?” laughed Utellme

“third..I will make Schviesie rearrange the boxes in the Prius trunk for 3 straight hours!”

“OOOH!” shouted Utellmee, that’s a good one, but still..”

“Wait..the best is yet to come. Fourth Schviesie will never be able to go Disneyland or any Disney event!”

“That’s harsh” said Utellmee “way harsh. Now that’s cruelty, but a very neat trick”

“And finally..the coup de gra..I will send the angel of checks to take every first issued check per month from Schviesie’s bank account, and use it to purchase Sea monkey food..only the premium kind!”

Schviesie stood up and said “ Why are you punishing me. I don’t get it. Aren’t the plagues..I mean miracles supposed to happen to the Ohwellans?”

“That’s the beauty” said Schimalaben. “ I torture you and then we all laugh and Utellme will let you free!”

“As the ancient saying of my people goes’” said a wise Utellmee “Oh Well. I will free the Schima’s on one condition.”

“Condition?” asked Schviesie as he tucked in his bedraggled toga.

“Yes. Schviesie must bake an expensive honey cake, in the hot sun on his bare back..unlevened of course.”

“Done!” said Schimalaben. “We will call the honey cake..unlevened  of course,  we will call it schviesiebrodt!..forever more..das schviesiebrodt!”

“It is so decreed” said Utellmee. And with that he waived them off.

As the two descended the long Blackburn stairs. Then, without warning, they heard Utellmee shout.

“Wait..I’ve changed my mind. You can’t leave. I still need slaves to do my bidding. To clean the toilets,to call uneeded repair people…wait!

With that Schimalaben raised his mighty hand and parted Schviesie’s meager hair to one side.

“What the hell is this?” said Schviesie patting the top of his parted hair.

“You needed that a part..your hair is a mess!”

“That’s disgusting said Utellmee!”..”Go ahead leave back to Apt.1”

Then, Schviesie, gratified that Schimalaben had finally freed the Schima’s said

“Could I get my paycheck early?”

“Okay”retorted Schimalaben..”but this is the last time!” Then, without hesitation he passed it over.